Why My Days Lack Space

This is a translated version of Ko's first essay of a series "Am I Addicted to Dopamine?"¹

"I'm spending this weekend in complete peace!"

My husband Kang must have been surprised to hear me say this while he was packing for a trip to Seoul. It’s not a phrase you’d expect from someone who constantly says, “Where’s my phone?” or “I’m bored.” My calendar is always packed with tasks and appointments. I sleep better after a busy day. But suddenly, I wanted a calm, serene weekend.

The next morning, after Kang left for the airport, I started thinking about my weekend plans. First, I grabbed my smartphone and aimlessly browsed YouTube. Then I remembered a recently ended show, Run Away with Sunjae. Searching for it, I saw "binge-watch" in the suggestions. I clicked the thumbnail, and before I knew it, it was well past lunchtime. I had watched a condensed 4-hour version of the 16-episode drama.

When was the last time I watched a full drama? It felt like ages. Even after watching the 4-hour summary, I searched for episode highlights to fill in the gaps. I ate hastily and spent the entire day glued to the screen. Without work or appointments, I thought I’d have a boring weekend, but it turned out to be thrilling and exciting.

It’s not just about content. I often try to fill my life with only the "essentials": important tasks, memorable conversations, and meeting new people. When did I start finding everything else boring and worthless? I don’t deny the value of intense, enriching moments. I love feeling alive through high-density, high-stimulation experiences.

The problem arises when I can’t maintain this level of intensity. Life can’t always be packed with such experiences. There are always gaps: while eating, during short breaks, or in the shower. I struggle to leave these gaps alone. I’m always thinking, listening to podcasts, or watching videos. On low-energy days, I feel compelled to watch YouTube before bed. It’s like I need to exhaust my daily quota of stimulation and reward, cramming in high-density content until I collapse into sleep.

I recently learned that my problem might be related to dopamine. Dopamine is a neurotransmitter involved in reward and stimulation. Getting used to quick, immediate rewards can disrupt dopamine regulation, leading to addiction. This makes everything else feel dull and boring. I saw a video about addiction, and many symptoms seemed to match my recent behavior.

Like a dog that hasn’t been walked and messes up the living room, I get anxious when I have unspent energy. How can I create more gaps in my life and enjoy the empty spaces? For the next three weeks, I’ll examine my state and try methods to lower my high dopamine threshold. I want to find peace, free from dopamine’s grip.